Why am I lost? Why have I felt like my heart is slowly closing and waiting for some light to reach in there and save it? I believe in God, I know that He is there, but why do I feel like I lost my connection with Him? My Iman is loosing itself and I feel like there is not nothing to do to where I can save it.
I used to not understand the ones who would say they are loosing their Iman and feel like nothing spiritually is working. I get that feeling because I am there and feel like I am that person Allah is talking about when He says there are the ones you cannot save because they are already astray. You never know what it is like to loose Iman until you are at your lowest state and it feels like it is already gone. When you do realize it, it is already at its lowest point. I never thought slowly feeding the heart bad energy for such a time period would cause me to notice it, but I didn’t know I was until I am crying out loud to my Lord asking where did I go wrong?
I wasn’t this person years ago when I converted to the Deen. I thought I was doing everything right. I was happy spiritually. I’ve started my new family and then I felt like I lost everything when I was diagnosed with a bipolar depression. That moment, I knew my Islam was gone. My love for this religion started to fade. I felt like why should I not be smiling with joy since I had everything anyone could ask for. I was married with a beautiful son. My world was turning into black and white. This Deen was everything and it’s like if I don’t have that, then what do I have besides my family?
Have you ever felt like your Iman was lost and you wish you could just go to someone who could help you? I’m tired of the pain, I’m tired of thinking it’s the Shaytan or Jinn. I am not understanding anything no more. Why can I have a positive sensation for the most part? I know you have your bad days, but what if your bad days replace your good ones? When do you find your Iman? I’m done to just my last drop of faith. Will I not find it back until it’s completely gone and I am astray?
What I am trying to say is when will I get back to where I felt peace in Islam and felt like it was my way of life? I’ve lost the only thing that balances out my life and keeps the meaning of why I am choosing to survive in this world. When will I get my Iman back?